Nothing to See Here, Just Keep Moving

I’ve been itching and twitching like some hybrid heroin/meth addict.

Sometimes in the spring, I get this weird heat rash on my arms. It usually goes away but if it doesn’t I use a cream. And if that doesn’t work some pink soap. I asked my dermatologist to mail my prescription but when it came I realized I get the soap from my regular doctor and the prescription I had frantically been checking the mail for was for the same cream I had already been compulsively rubbing on my arms for a week and a half. OMFG.

So I went to see Dr. Chatty McChatterson last week, who instead of just giving me my goddamn pink soap, spent an hour and a half discussing his past job history and his new consulting gig (aka his free English lesson) . It seemed like an odd topic even for him, until today when I went back to beg him to fix me and he told me he had just finished a conference call with potential English speaking consulting clients in New York City.

Today we talked about his gazillionaire friend, some guy who invented something called ebay, and how he is very humble and not tacky and uncouth, unlike the some other mini-millionaires he goes to lunch with who order a lovely bottle of wine and then mix it with coca-cola thus ensuring my poor doctor will never get a reservation in that particular restaurant again….. FOR THE LOVE OF THE LORD SPIRIT BABY JESUS JUST GIVE ME SOME DRUGS!

I finally escaped and got this from the pharmacy:

Very similar in size to the tower of Gargamel potions I got last week to kill my Smurfy little problem, but this time with magical cortisone pills that are supposed to make me feel super strong and make me presentable for going out in public. There is also a vaccine he prescribed, which the pharmacy gave me which I have to store in my fridge until I feel like discussing real estate in Neuilly Sur Seine expensive technology that otherwise well off doctors in 3rd world countries have difficulties JUST STAB ME WITH THE NEEDLE. Actually now I’m kind of curious. Is the needle in the box too? Can’t I just stab myself?

Instead of blogging about my sexy rash or the fascinating life of being a shut-in I’ve been watching really Terrible Television.

I never watched The Bachelorette until the Muslim comedian from my brother in laws Co-Exist Comedy Tour mentioned it recently. 

Hearing “Emily is so beautiful” andEmily takes my breath away” and “Emily gives me the feeling that people write fairy tales about for an entire hour is addictive. I think I might make a loop of it and listen to it every morning instead of standing in front of the mirror and chanting ” you’re good enough, smart enough and doggone it people like you!”. 

Don’t let Tissa’s taste in Terrible Television distract from her abilities to make you laugh while making you feel very uncomfortable for laughing. She is a genius.
Tissa on The View *not* promoting Co-Exist which might explain why the DVD is floating around lost in “post-production”

6 Responses to “Nothing to See Here, Just Keep Moving”

  1. Gwan Says:

    Ha ha ha, I'm with the doctor though – coke and good wine, silly uncouth multi-millionaires!

  2. Emily in Exile Says:

    I had some couch surfers from Spain who stayed with me and they introduced me to turning $5 jugs of top of the line wine Carlos Rossi with coke. It's actually pretty refreshing in the summer and I don't like coke. David probably wanted to take the ring back when he saw me drinking it.You can hear all about Carlos Rossi here for swinging by my apartment 🙂

  3. Parisbreakfasts Says:

    I get a 1-week stomach rash EVERY time I come back from Paristhink I'm allergic to home…

  4. mademoisella coquine. Says:

    Strange things happen to me too when I get back into town, normally it's in the form of adult acne and bloat. Gorgeous, eh?Enjoy your terrible tv! I never got into The Bachelorette, I'm still in Ghost Whisperer land, I'll check it out after (original) J.Lo-a-thon!I hope your rash gets better! …and coke and wine mixed? Is he from Spain??

  5. Emily in Exile Says:

    well your stomach is telling you to move Paris. You better hurry up before your face and arms start telling you the same thing.

  6. Emily in Exile Says:

    I think it's the calcium in the water. My doctor promised to fix me by Saturday so no one thought there was someone with leprosy in their midst. And it did get way better.The guys where from Spain but David was so disgusted with the wine and coke mixture I was still finishing off after they left he wouldn't even look at me when I was drinking it.

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