The Mother in Law

Next weekend we are going to Château de Chantilly to celebrate David’s mom’s birthday. Normally when we visit David’s relatives we end up staying for at least three days, so I was pleased to hear that we are only going for the day, because speaking French and having every glass of wine that crosses my lips monitored is exhausting. She wants grandchildren like yesterday. But spending hours at a table struggling to understand what everyone is talking about gets boring after a while, so I end up sipping wine and making to-do lists in my head. Apparently this means I “like to drink”.
David is going to be gone all week in Boston, and I was looking forward to spending time alone, spreading out and making a huge mess emptying boxes and getting things organized and not having to stop or clear off the table every night for a “proper” dinner. Bread and cheese at midnight? Bon apetit!
So I was pissed when he informed me that my belle mere will be staying here with her husband for an undetermined amount of days. They will be sleeping in our bed, which means I get to wash the king sized sheets, pillow cases and duvet cover in our tiny washing machine and then figure out where I am going to hang them to dry. I can’t even do clothes yet because there is nowhere to set up the drying rack. I’ll be sleeping on the couch. And without him here to translate it’s going to be really annoying. 
It’s bad enough having his relatives stay with us when we have a guest room and a stove and oven, so I can hide in the kitchen and cook and “go to bed” at 9 so my ears and brain get a break. I have no idea what I’m supposed to feed them using only a microwave and toaster. And the restaurants around here are touristy, overpriced and god-awful. My shrimp tasted like they left them out to ripen for a few days then rolled them in used cat litter and microwaved them for 25 minutes to make sure they were nice and rubbery. So gross. Then they covered it with black licorice flavored alcohol (pastis) (which was not mentioned on the menu, or I wouldn’t have ordered it) and set on fire.
My mother in law is very “helpful” when it comes to the progression of my French and always has new ways of informing me that it is not getting better fast enough.  She also likes to talk about how I don’t have a job, a lot. She emails me suggestions, like this video below. A job so FANTASTIC they have to advertise it on YouTube. Although spending my nights cleaning up barf bags and scrubbing airplane toilets sounded lovely, I’m sure the daily three hour round trip on the ghetto shady RER would be the cherry on top. Don’t anyone go and try to steal my dream job from me. I can’t wait to apply!


6 Responses to “The Mother in Law”

  1. ParisBreakfasts Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAYou have me laughing hysterically here!TAKE NOTES (during the visit)Yr potential for a FAB chick lit book is outstanding IMHO.First sentence:She wants grandchildren like yesterday.I mean it. yr a really really writer. THAT is yr job! Ha Belle-Mere will not like being the main character(OK one of) but maybe her anglais isn't so hot?So glad you stopped by PB!

  2. ParisBreakfasts Says:

    I meant to say FUNNY writermust go read some more

  3. ParisBreakfasts Says:

    PS in the olde days our parents sent newspaper clippingsnow they send Youtube videos!!!de trop!

  4. ParisBreakfasts Says:

    omg that whole series of videos are maybe to improve yr Fr?The Fr subtitres it's a BIG help.Surely she can't want you to clean airplanes :OPls email moi!

  5. eMerly Says:

    Wow that is really nice to hear! Thanks PB. I'm glad my pain amuses you ;)It's kind of a catch 22. If I tell her my job is to whine and complain on the internet, she will want to read it, and then I won't be able to wine or complain.

  6. eMerly Says:

    no, it was definitely a suggestion for employment!

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